Habitual Punster Pillows

"Welcome to the comedy club, sir! Heckling or non-heckling?"

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I think you're ace

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

Bitter End

'Well, you were convicted on three out of ten counts - at least we beat the point spread.'

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

Hamlet.

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

'To save the state the expense of a trial, I thought I'd run off to Spain.'

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

Kissing Game

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

Wash and Let My People Go