Habitual Collector T-Shirts

'So, this is what you do in your secret room...'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

'It finally took me thirty years, but I finally have one of every 3-D comic book ever made'

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

'ANOTHER Shakespeare play?!! Look, all we wanted was the user manual for a sandwich maker.'

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

"Fetch, Ernie, fetch!"

Tourist and Butterfly and Goat

"It's a flip phone. I guess we can document this as an ancient, archaeological discovery."

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

Over-reaction Man.

"I wonder what this was for."

'How old is this vase?'

'It's my own fault, I encouraged him to give up cigarettes in favour of a pipe. It was while we were on holiday in the Swiss Alps!'

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"I never expected you to pay through the nose."

"Hmm interesting Hallmark..."

In case of emergency...break glass: Crisis Manual.

Pawnshop: Genuine Fake Watches.

'Stamp auction' WW2 Victory stamps on two fingers

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

'To you, fifty quid - c'mon guv, it's HANDMADE!'

How do you like the new suit?

'My God, you're right - they are all back issues of TV guide.'

Antiques dealer and customer

Antiques Store with a bin outside with a sign saying 'Not for Sale'.

"Do I have a cough, a harumph, a wink, a tic? Sold then to the smirk for a million-five."