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'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Let's start out with cliches and pithy slogans - and work our way up to wisdom ...OK?'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

First you say I should "know thyself" and then you tell me to extinguish my ego!

The staple grains tended to look down on the more specialized fare... like quinoa.

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'

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