Guru Fan Pillows

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'Let's start out with cliches and pithy slogans - and work our way up to wisdom ...OK?'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

OM, SWEET OM

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'

Investment Guru/Lifestyle Guru/Tech Guru/Fashion Guru

The staple grains tended to look down on the more specialized fare... like quinoa.

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."