Guilt-ridden Foodie Gifts

Me On A Diet: "I should not be eating this!"

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

Fast Food Dieter

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'You forgot your glasses again, didn't you?'

"And what would you like to regret later?"

Woman watching cookery show on TV while cooking a microwave meal.

'He knows that when I eat like a hog, it's time for a jog.'

"Pardon, I should have been more specific...is everything all right with THE MEAL?"

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

"He's a fussy eater."

'I always shop here. They don't sell low fat ice cream so the guilt is gone.'

'I just need enough to send my Dad to cookery lessons!'

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

'...And when it registers over 140 pounds, it automatically triggers the refrigerator lock.'

'He asked me if I wanted to put anything on my burger, so I had a tenner each way.'

'Whatever fast food - fried stuff, fat, sugar, salt for the 'Doesn't Bother Me' person'.

"You asked me to keep a food diary, this is last week's!"

'I think our marriage would make a great country song.'

"Fred? Can you help me? I'm really in a jam."

"The I'm Going Off My Diet special comes with a side order of Guilt."

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Now that I can afford anything on the menu, I can't digest anything on the menu.'

"I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'd like some hospital food."

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

'Please be careful, sir, the plate is hot.'

'I don't think it's so much my inability to lose weight as it is my ability to find it.'

Guy begging for money holding his hat out. Next to him an out of work chef holding his frying pan out begging for money.

Man faced with a fridge full of food can't find the dinner left for him by his wife

"A tip?... Yes, I'll give you a tip. Never eat here, the service is terrible!"

"There better not be anything in there about the lust of food."