Guardian Of The Landline Gifts

"No one whose name is pronounced that way lives here."

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

Mental Wellness Center. Some folks coming here are working on multiple issues. Earlier, I saw a germaphobe with a fear of flying. Using an airplane bathroom must be completely out of the question! There's a narcissist with math anxiety and a fear of public speaking. He hopes one day he can stand in front of a large audience and count all the wonderful qualities he believes he has. And that guy has claustrophobia combined with a fear of success. Looks like he's going through a rough period

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

The new global mantra flag for the future

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"The minimum wage is being upgraded, so how about the minimum allowance?"

'I never believed in spanking children - until today!'