Guardian Of Gold T-Shirts

"Who says you can't take it with you? This one has a fireproof lining."

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

Al, why is my goldfish zigzagging? Perhaps sharing my beer with him was a case of misplaced generosity on my part.

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'You see, we don't have any children, so he's kind of our baby.'

Overeaters anonymous meeting today at 5:00.

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

'So what have you been up to?'

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."