Guardian Of Gold Pillows

"Who says you can't take it with you? This one has a fireproof lining."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'You see, we don't have any children, so he's kind of our baby.'

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

Overeaters anonymous meeting today at 5:00.

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'So what have you been up to?'

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."