Grump Appreciator Pillows

"Mr. Stephenson is the subject of a widely anticipated obituary."

'What are you annoyed about now?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Crappy Diem

"How could we be short? You had enough chocolate for everyone on our list!"

'Looks like no Christmas bonus this year.'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

'I hate surprises!'

"Here! Drink your coffee... Honestly, you can be such a bear in the morning!"

Mr. Cranky Pants Plants A Garden Part 2

"Mummy's a bit grisly in the mornings. But after something to eat and a little nap, she's quite pleasant."

At the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Convention.

"And to my brother, who I promised to mention in my will, 'Hi Grumpy'!"

"People keep telling me that it takes more facial muscles to frown than it does to smile... I tell them that I am working out."

Uncle Murray Weekly

Helen's husband is an old grump, too.

"Is everything okay, dear? You're smiling!"

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're just getting grumpier.'

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

"I hope you realize this is bad feng shui!"

'Be advised, Monday through Thursday I don't do 'perky'.'

'It's like a penalty shoot-out, only when it's my turn the ball morphs into a balloon!'

So much to be cross about, so little time.

'I've had it with your bright, sunny, upbeat...'

Whine Country Tours.

'When did I become so old and morose?' 'I know. It seems only yesterday you were young and morose.'

"Why can't they be satisfied with a simple checkout scanner?!"

Why weathermen are forced to retire at 55.

Mr. Cranky Pants Plants A Garden Part 5

"Stick-in-the-mud Cruise"

"Harold doesn't believe in smiling."

"Mostly, he was just puttering, but now he's also muttering."