Growth Chart Skeptic Gifts

'Jane, if you can't resist interjecting reality into your research, this may not be the right think tank for you!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

Soaring Profits

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

"You've changed."

Progress?

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Change, Change, Change, Change.

If middle-age birthday cards were honest...

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

Weight Gain Denial

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Please seat to be weighted.

Two parent snakes measuring the growth pattern of their young one across the wall.

Clothing. Mens Pants. I look for the same thing in pants that I try to find when looking for a new job - room for growth.

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

'Way to go! You too, way to go!' It was true. They both had a way to go.

Woman and scales.

"It's easy. The first step is to entirely change who you are."

'Your weight second opinion.'

'LIAR!'

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

Coming out of the crisis

'...And when it registers over 140 pounds, it automatically triggers the refrigerator lock.'

Every flower that ever bloomed had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there.

"I'm overbearing, conceited and obsessed with status."

Sales and Learning Experiences

The end is near! There's one crazy lemming in every crowd, isn't there?

"It's not a self-improvement book. It's a how-to-tolerate-those-who-won't-improve-themselves book."

'Wine and food doesn't go to waste in this hous, but it does go to waist.'

Changing paths: from high flying to smooth sailing.

'No matter what you do, you can't cheat a bathroom scale...'