Growing Up Expert Pillows

"Well, looks like his teenage years might be over: he's cleaning his room..."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

"It seems like only yesterday that Dad told me I'll be an adult before I know it."

'So this is goodbye then!'

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

'Okay mum, I'll eat it all up. But I doubt I'll grow big and strong on this muck!'

'Dad, I know all about the birds and the bees; explain stock-swaps and derivatives.'

"Mom said eat everything in moderation, so I renamed the cookie jar 'Moderation.'"

'Son, the world is ripe for the taking ... you better stay home with me.'

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

Early childhood development

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

"As it's your birthday, would you like to go in the Big Chair?"

"You used to be a lot more fun."

'Wow Dad, I'm growing fast: Soon, my tongue will be as long as yours...'

'I can change! I swear!'

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

Sometimes nature not only calls; she makes an emergency breakthrough.

"You give the tooth fairy your teeth, and she gives you some money. It's called reverse mortgage."

'I think you're ready for the big chair...'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

Penguin kid to parents: 'Big deal! You're grounding me!'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

'We think he has a future in politics.'

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"