Gross Habit Humorist Pillows

"Aw, c'mon! Not again man!!"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

'Food fight!'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

Death Watch

Gas Price Reads: Way Too Much.

"This coffee seems a little staler every morning, Edwina!"

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

"They’re burying him with his Xanax."

Shy Man at Party

"Stay back. I don't know what he's got, but I'm afraid it's catching."

"You must cut down on your smoking."

'Well the dog's been passively smoking our fags for the past ten years, so I think it's only fair that he has a nicotene patch too.'

"Hey, thanks again for letting me borrow your pen."

'What seems to be the problem?'

Brain Fart

'Stop repeating yourself, Brown!'

"Smoking causes cancer in humans. I'm canine."

Puppy Turds (just 50 cents! Wow!)

"You gotta teach me that trick."

'Burl always has to walk around the house when he brushes his teeth. . . he can't sit still for a minute.'

How to tell that it's Howie Mandel's dog you're dealing with.

'That's it - I'm leaving home!'

"Can we please sign off just one night without the national anthem?"

Ralph holds the Guiness world record for nosehair!

To stop the spread of the virus. . . Remember not to touch your face.

With smoking banned, what left for me to look forward to? Just drinking myself to death?

"Mom, Dad – this is Gloria."

"I think I've got analysis paralysis."

Walter always hated touching washroom doors. Now that he was dead, he no longer had to.

"Maybe we'd stand a better change of rescue if we didn't look so much like penguins."

Boogers Pick Your own

Reality Factor (Eating worms, chicken thinks 'mmmm').

You're never alone! You're constantly being watched by millions of germs!