Grim Gourmet Gifts

'Hey, Jack, our pizza is done.'

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

The Main Types of Cheese

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Too much cilantro

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

Queen of Quinoa

To do before Saturday...

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"This is locally grown and good for the environment, but it may give you greenhouse gas."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Is this still America?'

Cheese

Holiday Supplies

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, welcome to my dystopian world!"

"The bagels are better in New York."