Grief And Gastronomy Pillows

"Will you all please bow your heads for the reading of the menu."

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

Onion Tears

"It's my family's special recipe, passed down through generations on the cream cheese package."

Chicken soup books

"Pardon, I should have been more specific...is everything all right with THE MEAL?"

"We brought him into oversee our millennium menu...he did such a good job on the last one"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"He cooks under the guidance of a smoke alarm."

'I think our marriage would make a great country song.'

'Well, lucky you! The chef informs me that his breakfast special today is blackened scrambled eggs!'

"My aged cheddar died!"

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"Fred? Can you help me? I'm really in a jam."

The stages of winter

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Regardez - even le grand Escoffier cries quand il slices les onions.'

"The chef's having a tough day, what with coroners and such."

'Should my souffle blow the oven door off?'

Me On A Diet: "I should not be eating this!"

"Could Doctor see him now-I have the dinner to cook."

'What do you mean, send out for pizza? This is pizza!'

'Jeeves, you've made this soup taste like absolute s**t! Well done!'

Smelly fish.

'You would forget the doggie bag!'

Smoke gets in your eyes.

Sandwich Fail

'What do you mean, the food is terrific?'

'Let's sit in front of the fire.'

'I'll never look at a cheese omelette ever again!'

"Think of it as cajun blackened oatmeal."

'Of course I've burnt your dinner. You're in hell!'

"I've added some dehydrated non-vegetable oil sulphites so it's more like mum used to make."

The consequences of eating junk food.