Grief And Gastronomy Pillows

"Will you all please bow your heads for the reading of the menu."

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

Onion Tears

Chicken soup books

"It's my family's special recipe, passed down through generations on the cream cheese package."

"We brought him into oversee our millennium menu...he did such a good job on the last one"

"Pardon, I should have been more specific...is everything all right with THE MEAL?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

I never had a pony, Dr. Kapuchnik. Get over it, Al. Tastes like chicken.

"He cooks under the guidance of a smoke alarm."

'I think our marriage would make a great country song.'

"My aged cheddar died!"

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"Fred? Can you help me? I'm really in a jam."

'Well, lucky you! The chef informs me that his breakfast special today is blackened scrambled eggs!'

The stages of winter

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Regardez - even le grand Escoffier cries quand il slices les onions.'

"The chef's having a tough day, what with coroners and such."

'Should my souffle blow the oven door off?'

Me On A Diet: "I should not be eating this!"

"Could Doctor see him now-I have the dinner to cook."

'What do you mean, send out for pizza? This is pizza!'

'Jeeves, you've made this soup taste like absolute s**t! Well done!'

Sandwich Fail

'You would forget the doggie bag!'

Smelly fish.

Smoke gets in your eyes.

'What do you mean, the food is terrific?'

'Let's sit in front of the fire.'

"Think of it as cajun blackened oatmeal."

'I'll never look at a cheese omelette ever again!'

Guy begging for money holding his hat out. Next to him an out of work chef holding his frying pan out begging for money.

'Of course I've burnt your dinner. You're in hell!'