Gravesite Philosopher T-Shirts

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

"If I were a surgeon, Mr. Ferguson, which I ain't, and your car was my patient, which it ain't—except that it is, in a funny sort of way; that is, if you want to look at it like that; you know what I mean—and you was her husband, I'd have to say, 'Sir, your wife is going to need a valve job.,"

"It ain't easy, Doc. There's a lot of pier pressure."

"They're very time-sensitive."

''Faith can move mountains'? -- That's actually a little disturbing.'

Meekness of Mr Pecksniff and his Charming Daughter

How Relaxing It Is To Go To The Beach. . . How Close You Live To The Beach.

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Lost and forgotten department

'You have ear wax.'

Let me warn you, toots. Celebrity is like radioactivity: you start with a big bang, then comes years with a half-life of slow decay.

Gus never found the perfect wave

Fred raises the "Late Bloomer" bar to a new level.

"Make it a gallon and a half. I'm living one day at a time."

'It gets me from A to B alright but it won't get me from B back to A!!'

'Henry was really counting on dying.'

How does she get her grass so green?

'Well, you could have fooled me. You look as though you're having a good time.'

'Lawyers never come out where there's sand. The cats always try to bury them...'

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

'Nothing against you, Dad, but I'd rather be a POLITICAL pundit.'

'Maybe it was a left turn at the last set of traffic lights...?'

'Bloody warmongers!'

Honeymoon couple on a beach, husband smoking his pipe

"I want to apologize for some of the remarks I made during the heat of battle."

'Yes, I'm retired but my former coworkers keep calling to find out who they should kiss up to.'

Man walking down the beach with a phone to one ear and a shell to the other.

"Label says it's organic. That just means it's made in the State of Organ."

'Get going or wait for the tide?'

'Oh, I'm not a guru -- I'm just big on personal space.'

'Irwin, you've been retired for two years. Isn't it time you stopped being a pompous ass?'

Useful and Useless Screws