Gratuity Avoider Pillows

Travel Advisor: 'Our needs are simple - I want somewhere warm , and he wants anywhere tipping is prohibited!'

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

The Birth of a Lawsuit

'I hate surprises!'

Nervous at a party.

As the horrible signs began to appear, students would go to any length to avoid seeing them.

"Alert security, the buck has failed to stop here and is loose in the building."

Book from the Library of Alexandria. Woman says: 'Have you seen how overdue this book is?'

"I don't have time for New Year's resolutions, I'm still working on the backlog from 1998-2000."

'I don't like to waste time. How long on average does it take a recruit to make general?'

"Year, pets do teach kids about responsibility. When they won't get off their butts, they know I'll be responsible."

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

'Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty to tax evasion by reason of math phobia.'

'All you're ever interested in are get-rich-quick schemes. What's your hurry?'

'No thanks.'

"Must...not gaze into...his eye! For I may...never break free!"

'Every year, I make a New Year's resolution, but I never stick to it, and it's embarrassing when people ask me about it...this year I'm just going to lie through my teeth when people ask.'

"I've hung all the credit card bills on the tree, maybe that will stop you going to the sales."

"I don't like all the responsibility that comes with my new pompousness."

Car driving on tube line - 'They'll do anything to avoid the new congestion charge.'

You fled to Canada because you're afraid of marrying me? Well, I ... I understand, Sadie. Really? Of course. How do you think I feel? You? Being the constant object of your lust. You're not helping.

'I found I'm able to maintain my disposition by not watching any economic or employment news.'

'I claim Sanctuary!'

"I've been called for jury duty. How can I get out of it?"

'I suddenly feel car sick. The annual insurance bill has just arrived.'

Gold, Silver and Bronze for pessimists.

We're butterflies, Ernie, I don't think we're supposed to have long-term goals.

"And we thought you were a team player!"

'Daddy's going to know who you are, son.'

"No fancy gizmo for him, he finds fish the old fashioned way."

Christmas - Let's get it over with.

'If you keep walking, you'll save a hundred percent.'

'Why isn't he wearing the tie I bought him for Christmas?'