Gratuity Avoider Pillows

Travel Advisor: 'Our needs are simple - I want somewhere warm , and he wants anywhere tipping is prohibited!'

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

The Birth of a Lawsuit

Nervous at a party.

"Alert security, the buck has failed to stop here and is loose in the building."

"I don't have time for New Year's resolutions, I'm still working on the backlog from 1998-2000."

Book from the Library of Alexandria. Woman says: 'Have you seen how overdue this book is?'

"Year, pets do teach kids about responsibility. When they won't get off their butts, they know I'll be responsible."

'I don't like to waste time. How long on average does it take a recruit to make general?'

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

'Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty to tax evasion by reason of math phobia.'

'All you're ever interested in are get-rich-quick schemes. What's your hurry?'

"I've hung all the credit card bills on the tree, maybe that will stop you going to the sales."

"I don't like all the responsibility that comes with my new pompousness."

"Must...not gaze into...his eye! For I may...never break free!"

'No thanks.'

'Every year, I make a New Year's resolution, but I never stick to it, and it's embarrassing when people ask me about it...this year I'm just going to lie through my teeth when people ask.'

Car driving on tube line - 'They'll do anything to avoid the new congestion charge.'

'I found I'm able to maintain my disposition by not watching any economic or employment news.'

'I claim Sanctuary!'

"I've been called for jury duty. How can I get out of it?"

'I suddenly feel car sick. The annual insurance bill has just arrived.'

Gold, Silver and Bronze for pessimists.

'Daddy's going to know who you are, son.'

"And we thought you were a team player!"

"No fancy gizmo for him, he finds fish the old fashioned way."

'Why isn't he wearing the tie I bought him for Christmas?'

'Stop complaining mother - this way you aren't liable for crippling tax charges!'

'If you keep walking, you'll save a hundred percent.'

Christmas - Let's get it over with.