Grape Gourmet T-Shirts

'Thank goodness the FDA now requires us to number each grape. We were almost caught up around here.'

"I'm afraid it's still rather young."

LAY ZEE FUK

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Queen of Quinoa

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

To do before Saturday...

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"This is locally grown and good for the environment, but it may give you greenhouse gas."

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'