Garlic Gourmet T-Shirts

"His bark is worse than his bite. He eats garlic."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

His Her Cakes

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

To do before Saturday...

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Tarzan of the Grapes.

Queen of Quinoa

Kitchen Kapers

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Holiday Supplies

The Origins of Everything

Cheese

'Is this still America?'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"