Grandparent's Favorite T-Shirts

'You realize I have to tell grandma about this?'

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

Lucky Stars.

'They keep telling us these are the best years of our lives...but THEY seem to be having a pretty good time!'

"Went with the hair plugs I see."

'I'm sorry Peggy, but at this point in time, I just don't feel like getting off the couch.'

'What did you do in the great whale war, grandad....'

"Ok, I have my hearing aids on now: let's hear this mighty roar of yours. . ."

"She used to just be a mom, but when I was born she was promoted to grandma."

Young MacDonald

"Grandpa, tell us again about the old days when people voted for somebody instead of against somebody."

We're sunk. Everyone's supposed to bring their Grandma's best dish to the potluck. Don't panic. Helen's Grandma was from Scotland. Yeah. But the Patakis cook Indian feasts. And the Mercantis still make 10 course Italian dinners. What was your Granny's specialty? Jell-o cube salad. Mmm ... sweet or savory?

''Change your underwear.' Hmm, my mother must be in town for a visit.'

"Since Ronnie retired, I like to keep him busy with plenty of activities."

'Child resistant cap'

"Go ahead. Ask Grandpa to tell you the story about why we don't play with matches."

I need to take the day off. Family tragedy. What happened? An errant parachutist crash-landed. My grandmother knocked down. Then attacked by clowns. No one ever buys sick day anymore.

That's what I call value.

"Grandpa fatty died a heroic death - he bit through the main power cable in the slaughterhouse."

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

'I may not look like much but f**k with me and you're dead!'

'Why can't my mother be more like my grandmother?'

'Watching Chet compete with our great grandson to see who can go longest without having to have his diaper changed. What are you doing?'

Osteo-pierogies

'First time grandfather hey! Me, I'm a great great great great great great great great grandfather...'

'I've got to run. See you in an hour.'

"No we'd better make it Friday. I babysit Tuesday, so I won't be recovered until then."

Historic Landmarks - Wimbledon, 1863

"Yes it is amazing you found a card with GOTH on it, Gran, especially with your eyesight."

"Oh, I'm just between naps, Grandma."

'There's gin in the thermos. Make sure not to share it with the kids, even if they lose.'

I shrank another inch! Woo-hoo!

'Grandpa, can your inner child come out and play?'

"For Sale. Used once by a little old lady in tennis shoes."