Gourmet Griller Gifts

Beach Barbecue

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Cookbooks

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Too much cilantro

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

The Main Types of Cheese

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

To do before Saturday...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Is this still America?'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Holiday Supplies

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."