Gourmet Complainer Gifts

'Mine was stone cold.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

'If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room.'

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

Join me for dinner?

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

Cheese Pile

Haute Chinese

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Thermidor Dali

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Avocado Timeline

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

"Well, okay I'll eat it. But, only if you have a medical team on stand by."

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'Pass the grey stuff.'