Gourmet Complainer Gifts

'Mine was stone cold.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room.'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

Thermidor Dali

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

Haute Chinese

Cheese Pile

Join me for dinner?

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Avocado Timeline

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

"Well, okay I'll eat it. But, only if you have a medical team on stand by."

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

'Pass the grey stuff.'