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"You're the lid to my pot."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Before/After

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Join me for dinner?

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Haute Chinese

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

Cut out and keep your own Chef

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"When I eat out, I like to order something I would never make at home."

"And it was at the moment I realized that the only thing holding me back from culinary excellence was a bucket-load of butter."

"You know they're trying too hard when the chef's special is Corn Dogs Bordelaise."

"I'm sorry, but Chef Scott feels he's moved beyond that concept."

"Chef, we've run out of terracotta roof tiles!"

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."