Goofing Off Gifts

Get crazy once in a while

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

"I hate this time of year."

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

Hole in forty-seven.

"Rudy, if you're playing a video game in there. I'm breaking this door down. Some of us have got to go."

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

Not at all O.K. Corral

Neutrinos travel faster than light!

I'm with stupid.

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

Cuckoo Clock Dentistry

Bob's lazy eye was getting worse - staying home, lying in bed and watching soaps all day.

A choice of sandwiches

Joe's Weird and Goofy Travel: 'I want to walk backward across China and Tibet.'

"Your food will be out as soon as we clean up from the chef's little bout with food poisoning."

Blades of grass watching horror movie of lawnmower cutting grass.

'I hope you replace your divots!'

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

Sharks Eating Humans at Seaside Restaurants

"A backflip with a full twist, handspray pike and a three quarter roll will do nothing to further your cause Mr Laney."

'Hey, I understand your frustration, OK? But if I didn't see it happen, I can't call it.'

"This accident report must be really old, unless he really was 'attacked by ye wilde boare' in the cold meats aisle."

A Respite Between Courses

Turtle bumps turtle: 'WHIPLASH!'

Time for the traditional bubble-wrap dance.

Wanted - Mug Shot Photographer

Gourmet Whoop-Ass.

"Today's my dad's 90th birthday. I got him a cake. I used 90 candles to spell out 'Happy 90th Birthday from your goof-up son who can't ever do anything right. I organized the whole party. And what do you think of me, Pop?'...The candles flared up and burned his house down..."

Stop horsing around, you guys. Focus!

"Not another step into this house mister, until you empty the sand from your shoes!"