Golfing Gourmet T-Shirts

'I would go with salmon on this one.'

'A cheeky red?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

To do before Saturday...

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Too much cilantro

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

The Main Types of Cheese

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Queen of Quinoa

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Cheese

'Any wilderness skills besides making smores?'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

Keith Floyd.

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

"The bagels are better in New York."

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."