Goal Ghost Gifts

'Every year, I make a New Year's resolution, but I never stick to it, and it's embarrassing when people ask me about it...this year I'm just going to lie through my teeth when people ask.'

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

'I think we'd be more confident about meeting our targets if we could work out what they were!'

I.T. Fear

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

"Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!"

'I'm not sure what I want out of life, but I want a lot of it.'

"May I recommend THIS property? It's ideal for first-time haunters..."

Private Viewing

'There's an imposter among us!'

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

'He lived and died for golf.'

"The Ruin is under new management. Specters will manage wraiths, shades and spirits. All others report to be spook resources. Bonuses will be based on team work and synergy."

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'Egad! It's the ghosts of sanity past!'

'It's only fair Geraldine. I had to meet your parents.'

"At long last we've discovered evidence of a poultrygeist!"

'Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!'

'It's only the library ghost - he was a great poet but a failed novelist.'

"When I grow up I'm going to be a ghost writer."

"Lately, I've become more spiritual, and less religious."

His new 'Absence of Anything' reminds me strangely of his earlier blank 'Nothing to Say' canvasses."

Ghosts from around the world.

Haunted museum

The response of a spirit during a seance is in fact an annoyed neighbour.

"I'm the ghost of Christmas Tree Future, and honestly, it doesn't turn out well for you."

"You put it on backward, dear."

The Goal Post-Impressionists,

Football fan

"You see a haunted house, I see a house with good bones."

"We thought we could put in the details later."

"I want you kids to always follow your hopes and screams."