Gluten-free Gurus Gifts

"I don't really need to avoid gluten, but I feel it's a popular concern with broad appeal we can all share."

Blah, blah, blah

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'They took my Science Fair Award away. They said I ate too much fish, which is brainfood. So, it was like I was on mental steroids.'

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

"Eat your vegetarian or you'll go extinct!"

"I think the 'Exotic Recipe' diet will make me lose weight. I'm running all over town trying to find the ingredients!"

How to cope in Los Angeles vs. New York

Child Sells Gluten Free Mudpies

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

'Because we're still part of society - that's why we have to go organic.'

Modern Witch Shoppe

"Hide the file in one of your gluten-free cakes – so the guards won't eat it."

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

"Hmm...any dietary restrictions?"

A Complex Carb.

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

I can't believe I ate all that kale for nothing.

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

"There's our cure for the munchies! Gluten, we love your pizza!!" "You're our hero, gluten."

'Mom, I don't care how high in fiber they are. Broccoli flakes are going to fail as a breakfast cereal.'

Buffet - now glutton free.

"If you eat gluten, we have a ton of it in the back."

"Everything on the menu can be prepared with no gluten, standard gluten, or extra gluten."

"I don't know, doc, I'm just not peeling well!"

"Always give a good, firm handshake...then immediately sanitize your hands."

"Health advice does change over time, but I doubt if we'll EVER be recommending a diet of pizza and beer."

“There once was a woman who lived in a can of prebiotic soda… & only then did she consume enough to reap the health benefits claimed on the label.”

'It's gluten-free or free range or something. Enjoy.'

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"