Gloomy Storyteller Pillows

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

Deaths from Coronavirus

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Woodpecker carving pumpkins

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

'Hey, what am I, chopped liver?'

Tim Burton

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"I'm so sorry I let you talk me into letting you take your pet along on this trip!"

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I hate waking up with coffin hair.'

'And then as the young rat turned around, he realized he was in the junior high, block one dissection class!'

"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's undead."

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'

Frankenstein's Ancestry

Covid Music

"It's the great pumpkin's psychotic uncle Mitch, Charlie Brown."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"'Let's try the shrink ray!' you said, 'what could possibly go wrong?', you said."

Cheap amusement with... THE HAPPY COUPLE!

"The Ruin is under new management. Specters will manage wraiths, shades and spirits. All others report to be spook resources. Bonuses will be based on team work and synergy."

"It's not so bad! But I DO have to sleep on my side. . .2

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

Born of the Dead

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

'Try my health brew...1% fat, no cholesterol, high fiber and low sodium.'

"My Mom says that's what happens if you eat too much Halloween candy."

"When I grow up I'm going to be a ghost writer."

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'