Global Conversationalist Pillows

"Hey, this is on me!"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"Passengers, as we begin our descent, you may now suddenly act open and friendly to the person beside you."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

Woman on the phone.

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

"Did you speak to our client in Australia?"

Modern Narcissism

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

Orator translates in many languages.

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."