Getting Over An Ex Gifts

'This next one I wrote myself. It's about pain, misery and heartbreak, until I finally wised up and dumped him.'

"No, I don't still think about him - I'm with YOU now."

'I thought I was really stuck on Richard, but it turned out it was just static cling.'

Sean, this time we're really through. I'm marking all your love letters as spam.

Chet sees an old flame,

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

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'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'Where Are They Now?'

'And do you, James, believe you deserved that beating Annie gave you for inviting your ex-girlfriend to the wedding.'

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

Bowling. 24 Lanes. Going bowling for date night with my girlfriend as a bad idea. A split was inevitable.

'She broke up with me because I'm a stray and, thus, always have fleas!'

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"I'm sorry, Jon, but Henry's perfect. Not only does he make me laugh, he makes me omelets, and he makes me come."

"...Then she took the divorce settlement money...and set up a company that's putting me out of business."

"I'm not a vindictive person, Charles. When your chickens do come home to roost I hope they're free range chickens."

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

Ernie's girlfriend didn't like his birdwatching hobby. She thinks he's too consumed by it. We broke up. She flew the coop. A little birdie told me my ex believes that I'm crazy as a loon, and birdwatching is an albatross around my neck. She thinks I'm always off on a wild goose chase, and this keeps me from moving up the pecking order at my job. The breakup doesn't upset me. It's like water off a duck's back, and now I can spread my wings! Ernie is often called a "bird brain" he takes th

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."