Getting Over An Ex Pillows

'This next one I wrote myself. It's about pain, misery and heartbreak, until I finally wised up and dumped him.'

"No, I don't still think about him - I'm with YOU now."

'I thought I was really stuck on Richard, but it turned out it was just static cling.'

Sean, this time we're really through. I'm marking all your love letters as spam.

Chet sees an old flame,

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Large Emoticon Collider

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'Where Are They Now?'

'And do you, James, believe you deserved that beating Annie gave you for inviting your ex-girlfriend to the wedding.'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'She broke up with me because I'm a stray and, thus, always have fleas!'

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"...Then she took the divorce settlement money...and set up a company that's putting me out of business."

"I'm sorry, Jon, but Henry's perfect. Not only does he make me laugh, he makes me omelets, and he makes me come."

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

"I'm not a vindictive person, Charles. When your chickens do come home to roost I hope they're free range chickens."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

'Your ex is calling. Her investment club bought 51 of the company, and you're fired!'