Get-rich-quick Schemer Gifts

'Can you recommend something that will make me $1 million in 5 minutes? I need to cover my losses from my last get-rich-quick scheme.'

'This is my brilliant concept for a maximum return with zero employment costs! The customers give money to us but we don't give them any products!'

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

'No, you can't use your last wish, to wish for another three wishes!'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

"An Iraq attack is one thing, but I'm not sure about a Persian incursion."

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

CEO Escape

"Do you call this a business plan?"

'Here's the game plan going forward. We acknowledge any and all 'mistakes,' then fake fixing them.'

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

"I've made myself a success through a combination of long-term planning and short term tantrums."

"My assistant is more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy."

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

Office Canteen: 'Getting in a consultant is win-win for us... we'll get the credit if it's a success - but, if it all goes wrong, we've got someone else to blame!'

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

'let's see if we can find any loopholes in this 'honesty-is-the-best-policy' nonsense.'

'We're seeking a safe tax haven for our investments.'

'Do you want to be red Tory or blue Labour?'

'Well, son... I've made my first million by selling my unpaid bills to the paper-recycling guy!'

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

'Damn, I just love this new problem solving tool!'

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

"Look, let's just say I haven't seen anything, Charlie hasn't heard anything, and Tom hasn't said anything."

"I've come up with all the right words for our new sales strategy, now we just need to work out what order to put them in!"

"We're fighting them in zone A, they're our allies in zone B, and we don't know what to do in zone C."

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

"Yeah, it's a Christmas tree alright! So, we know exactly where the antelopes will be early morning on Christmas day..."

"We love your results. We're just a weeny bit concerned about your methods."

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

'While Dewey distracts the defense, the quarterback simply jogs into the end zone untouched.'

"Just take the free kick, and stop wasting time."

'Oh, that's Dan, the congressman's right AND left hand man'