Germophobic Guru Pillows

'Your prescription is ready. Please don't approach the counter. I'll toss it to you.'

I'll have a gluten-free, hypoallergenic vegan cookie with whipped hand-sanitizer topping. Is your whipped hand-sanitizer organic? Totally. There's not a thing in it that can possibly hurt you. Can you BOIL the cookie just to be sure? That'll be extra.

The office is a breeding ground for winter cold and flu germs.

"Good luck - watch out for the 20 second power douche tsunamis - and stay safe."

The new normal

COVID 19

"That new antibiotic seems to be working. Time to evolve again."

'Oh, I dunno. hat would you like to evolve into?'

"Cheer up, might never happen!"

"No, I'm not able to transplant your computer's antivirus software into your body. Try washing your hands more often."

"I could probably keep spring-cleaning till next winter."

John Snow

"Always give a good, firm handshake...then immediately sanitize your hands."

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

Drive Thru Flu Clinic

"I couldn't afford an antivirus, so I installed a sneeze guard instead."

'I don't know what this is, but you should see how fast it's growing!'

'A giant killer macrophage! Doctor, this is madness!'

"Stay back. I don't know what he's got, but I'm afraid it's catching."

'Aside from the cockroach, how was everything?'

'Ricky, you're buying a stock that belonged to a total stranger? How do you know where it's been?'

'What seems to be the problem?'

"I had to get the glass in my front window replaced. I've never known anyone with a more powerful sneeze than my dad!"

"It's great to be back!"

Practice Bug Control this Season.

'Why do I have to cover my mouth when I sneeze? After all, we're just making liver.'

There's no reason to feel guilty - You're not the only vegetarian to get swine flu.

Hand Sanitisers

How to tell that it's Howie Mandel's dog you're dealing with.

"Wait – did you wash your hands?"

'Don't take this personally, Walter, but go home!'

To stop the spread of the virus. . . Remember not to touch your face.

'Oh-oh -- they're having a big war over which one of us to worship!'

"Okay, dictation monkey, can you read back to me my Hypochondriac's Handbook rules to live by?"

Microbe World