General Election Pillows

'Something tell me they're expecting a low voter turnout.' (Polling station is a phone box.)

"We're on track for net zero."

Jumbo Paper Shredder

"We sent our postal vote to Santa, by mistake."

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Away with the warmonger!"

'If only every year was an election year.'

"Excellent, excellent. A fine blend of truths, half-truths, and blatant falsehoods."

Political convention

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

Trump Poutine

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

An informed voter is a good voter

'It's historic that the inauguration of a minority is now routine.'

"We've won control of the congress. Our next objective is to win control of the media."

The Russian Election.

'We're asking what america can do without to reduce the deficit...no, ma'ma! the Gop and Dems are not options!'

Elections

Unfettered Corporate Campaigning.

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

"As I see it, 'Crazy politics' - like not voting on a supreme court nominee - is better than a complete government shutdown."

'Why does my opponent keep lying about me?', 'Because truth is stranger than fiction?'

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"I think it was an election year."

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

'With these video-phones, there's just too much documentation on all my promises.'

'Son, voting isn't a rational procedure by which one strategically selects an electable candidate who will best serve your interests. Voting is an emotional response to your gut level fears!'

'My plan for the mid east has approval of both Houses of Congress, Oprah, Larry King, Lettermen and Leno.'

'The only cuts we can all agree with are their cutting remarks!'