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Capturing a Cook

Couple in restaurant, "Sorry it's slow, Chef's got the runs"

Gastro Gnomes

Napoleon Blownafart

Come dine with me!

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

Try to guess the continent dining...

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

Before/After

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

Party time.

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

"We've misjudged the tapas again."

"Anything but milk and cookies."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"I'll be glad when the television is fixed."