Gargoyle Guru T-Shirts

'...And it comes with valuable coupons toward your next purchase.'

"Trust me, Lew, if anyone knows where the salmon are jumping, she does!"

'But what is the universe for?'

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

'I'm telling you Fred, this can of silver paint is going to improve your love-life!...'

'I think he's doing ok, the coach says he has the attention span of a goldfish.'

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

'Don't blame the lawyer!'

Trying to describe the size of the Big Bang.

'Does the hunter I just ate make me look fat?'

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

'Astronomy I, Astronomy II, Astronomy III'

'And so thanks to my dad's waistline I now understand the theory of our constantly expanding universe!'

Cosmetic Stone Mason.

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

Dad Planet: 'Hey you KIDS! I thought i said no ORBITING in the house!'

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'I could have sworn I put those moon rocks in my pocket...'

Hippie Edibles Co.

"Hey. Stop that. You're creeping us out."

Medieval sculptor hits thumb while carving a gargoyle.

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

CONGRATULATIONS On an awesome swim

You have a lot of patients coming to your for counseling! Yeah, I just saw a supernova who is dealing with burnout. Later, I'll see Pluto about his inferiority complex and a black hole who wants to fill a void in its life. Then Hailey's Comet and his wife will discuss why he's rarely there for her. Since your practice went universal it just keeps expanding! You're so busy! Yeah, my head is spinning!

Cleaning the Horse

Pay Cut for QCs: 'I put it to you that this strikes at the very foundations of justice!'

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

Supreme Court. It's either constitutional or unconstitutional - We don't use a scale of one to ten! (Published previously September 25, 2006.)

"Anything you say, Mr. Einstein, can be used to explain the origin of the universe."

"Hey, universe! I'm significant and I'm in charge!"

"Are you sure they'll be able to read English?"

Expanding Sun engulfs Planets

'Our new product has increased growth in our legal department.'

'Technically, you can't really consider these 'alien visitations'. No offence but this planet is the only dumping station in this corner of the galaxy...'