Gambling Humor Fan Pillows

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

'Now that I have your attention...'

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

The Brothers Grime

"You see, it's perfectly safe to tease him..."

Loan Alley

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'Oh yeah, your dad might be on 4-1 in this afternoon's race, but mine is on 3-1!'

The deadly sport of cobra staring contests.

"Uh Oh! Jehovah's"

Beer Parasol.

"I'm you from the future! Or the past. I've completely lost track of time."

"For the last time, we never need the route with the fewest turns."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

"Well, you were late and her boyfriend didn't turn up for their wedding, so....."

"I fell to the ground from a height of about two metres when I was born: My very first stunt!"

Jumping Wall Street.

'Joe has been partying hard!'

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"My favorite part of the story was when Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty and she totally rebooted."

'It will be a difficult adjustment, but it doesn't mean you can't still live a full and rewarding life, say, in the library, or even a miniature golf course.'

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

Presidential surveillance ass!"

'Bob, wait!!! Nice try, bear.'

The bird feeder.

"It worked as you said Mum! I yelled 'LICE' as soon as the lion approached and he stopped in his tracks to scratch his mane while I escaped!"

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

'All she said was something about having rice for dinner and then poof!. . . She's gone!'

"Fish finder."