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Modern art: I call it Procrastination.

"That would look really good in my office."

"But is it content?"

"This is the show, Madam."

'I don't know anything about art but I know what wines I like.'

"Now this I get."

'What are they worth? Well, it's difficult to put a price on such extraordinary works of art. How much you got?'

'Look Larry, this one has air coming out of it!'

"I love what you do with low-hanging fruit!"

"It's titled: 'Buy Low, Sell High, Stay Diversified.'"

"I decided to cut out the pretense and get to the point!"

'He really captured her in this one.'

Pictures 50% off...now only 500 words!

'Man, I wish I could paint like that.'

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'At first glance, my work may seem heavily ironic, but, culturally adjusted, it's really pretty sincere!'

"Instead of 'It sucks' you should say, 'It doesn't speak to me.'"

I always wanted to be a muse.

'Call the police. Some vandal has wrecked the Tracy Emin installation!'

Contractors view yet another 'artist's impression' of the proposed new art gallery.

'It's fabulous! I'll give you ?25,000 for it!'

'My dear boy its a wonderful display of post modern expressionism with overtones of Dada.'

'It's from my strange-but-not-as-strange-as-I-am-now period.'

'It's called the 'Reclining Hypochondriac.' The model kept calling in sick.'

"His painting is actually better than it looks..."

"I'll take that one."

Goliath, the World's Biggest Philistine, at the Goth Art Gallery.

After three days the curator decided it was probably upside down.

Like all of us, he asked many different questions throughout his life.

"How can I become a successful artist if you make me stay within the lines?"

People with tilted heads looking at crooked art gallery painting

'It looks messy but it has a certain cachet.'

Understanding art.

"It's a stunning example of the absence of traditional art as a paradigm of a new way of viewing the essence of a new zeitgeist..." "Er...do you think we should tell him that we haven't hung the picture yet?"