Future Vegan Parent Gifts

'It's going to be a vegan.'

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

"States of tofu"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

"Two vegans, please."

Queen of Quinoa

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

Before/After

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"Is there a vegan option?"

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

'Is this still America?'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

Like lambs to the slaughter, my ass.

Veggie Hall of Fame.

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

Mrs. Robot attempts to improve her family's diet.

Planting veggies

"Getting drunk grilling lettuce just isn't the same."