Future Father Figure Pillows

"Oh, but it's not okay for me to practices being a parent?"

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

Believe it or not: Once upon a time Dads couldn't even boil water.

The Complete Book of Baby Names. Oooh, what do you think of 110101110110? Isn't that cute?

"If I turn it up I might get out of here quicker!"

"Mum's biological clock is ticking away...OOPS!...my mistake. That's indigestion."

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - you'll run it off during the toddler years.'

Baby's First Words... Hi Guys!

Baby, baby maker

-THIRTY thousand? I thought you wanted TEN thousand? -I'm having triplets!

"Dear Mum. As contractions begin I thank you for letting me share your uterus. When do I get my bond money back??"

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

Welcome to the uterus. Please be seated. Your mother will be with you in nine months.

'I've had some strange cravings during my pregnancy. Such as the one to strangle my husband.'

Chapter 10: How to extend your stay and throw your father's paternity leave application into chaos.

'Oooh, she has your eyes Horus.'

'Not today,son-not on Fathers' Day!'

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

"Six down, three to go!!"

'We need to discuss your ultrasound.'

'First, let's see him program a DVD recorder.'

1,001 names to Embarrass Your Child for Life.

"Can you wangle me some parental leave?"

"We can make you more pregnant than you ever though possible."

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

'And once we transfer the embryo, aspirate the follicles, and align your ovulation with the doctor's gold schedule, voila -- natures little miracle.'

"Did you want to know if the baby's a boy or a girl?"

The day after Father's Day.

'I'm not giving you a lift. If you want to run away from home, run.'

'We should probably think about baby proofing the place a bit.'

Doctors talking about ways to confuse patients with jargon.