Futon Philosopher Gifts

'The pile of unread books by the bed looks bigger than the futon...'

It is essential not to overcrowd a tank as this can cause serious problems...

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

Citizen of the world.

"Why... do goldfish have such a short memory span? We don't – there isn't anything to remember if all you do is swim around in circles all day long."

"This aquarium is such a nice prison."

'All cats have 4 legs and fur. I have 4 legs and fur...It's too hard to think anymore.'

Cool Cat, Dog Dork, Grumpy Goldfish, Constipated Cockatiel.

Incognito Bonito - 'I don't know me, but I do know you!'

'Sometimes I feel sorry for those little baitfish, don't you, Ben?'

The Best Laid Plans

'Let me get this straight: you'll answer three questions, but only three questions? No kidding? Boy, is this my lucky day or what?'

"Cat got your tongue?"

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"What should I say this is about?"

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

"I've tried Buddhism, Taoism, Transendental meditation, Confucionism, Theolog, Scientgology....but I've found a good hand rolled joint of homegrown works best!"

The Old Woman in the shoe questions her decision to spend her empty-nest years in a condo at a ski resort.'

'I'd like to participate in gym class, but I'm afraid I'll get overheated and contribute to the global warming problem.'

"If man evolved from apes,does that mean we came from Sea Monkeys?"

"Sometimes it's good to just pause and reflect on how obscenely rich we are."

'If fate had been kinder, either of us might be living in the White House.'

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

'Really? -- the hokey-pokey IS what it's all about?'

Long-range planning

Fisherman to friend about to be devoured by shark: 'Bill, are you familiar with the health benefits of shark cartilage?'

Library of War and Peace

"Is 'Upstream' where we really want to be?"

'You can't take it with you so I'm sending it on ahead.'

'I believe in kizmet and it is our destiny to be friends for life.'

"Nothing happens next. This is it."

'I never met anybody with a 'calla-walla-bing-bang' mantra before.'

'I know I shouldn't bite, but I keep thinking about that poor slob up there...hot, tired, hungry...'