Funny Introductions Pillows

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

"Alone bad. Boyfriend good!"

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

'It's from my staff...make sure it's not carnivorous.'

Psychiatrist with bartending diploma

Homework Help and Homework Eaten Stands

'Great! You mean it's obedience school prom season already!'

"Let's try one with your hand tucked into your shirt."

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

Fido phones

'... And now I shall pass you over to tonight's speaker who will give a brief summary of my introduction.'

"Talking's ok but to me walking on your hind legs is simply taking anthropomorphism a bit too far."

"Please to meet you, though I'm sorry about the circumstances."

'Why, yes, I am a Capricorn...how did you know?'

'Don't look now Muriel. But that Polyphemus guy has been giving you the eye all night.'

"Whinge, whinge whinge! Would it kill you to crack a smile? It's no wonder they call you Mona!"

An astronaut with a little alien drilling into his helmet.

"I enjoy younger guys, but they have to be house-broken."

'...open beer bottles with his teeth.'

'Yes,your feet are still there!'

The usual?

'I think you should know, I have woodworm'.

'Marriage is sharing, Carol, so I'm happy you earn twice as much as me.'

'No, nothing permanent. Just maybe spend a little less time together each day, that's all.'

Of course it's real spring water. I got it out of this hose last April!

Evaluating the humorousness of cartoons.

"I was just wondering, Mr. Parker, when you planned to come by and pick up Mrs. Parker?"

"- And my name is Teresa...Mother Teresa!"

"He's always complaining about our dog-breath, but after a boozy-night, he doesn't smell too good either in the morning..."

"Hello darling. I may be home late tonight. I've just got two potential contenders for the, 'all you can eat platter'."

'You'll love Elliot, Father, He despises everyone even more than you do!'

"Mom, Dad – this is Gloria."