Funky Soul Gifts

In case of funky emergency, break glass

A woman floats in the pool under the shade of an airplane

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

Get crazy once in a while

'Rehab centre' "I'm addicted to Irvine Welsh"

Fly fishing.

Frizzbee statue.

"Of course I'm bored - my batteries are flat!"

'It's good of you to go out of your way to show me what not to do, Mum.'

You know, the snowballs we get in the summer are better. They're flavored!

"There's no need to be em'bear'rassed about what you like!"

Beware of balloon dog.

"I hope I'm not embarrassing you, Elaine... I guess I've always been a fool for love."

"You've got night fever."

Bunny Pranks

Shoe repair

'My girl friend wants me to put my inner child back inside where he belongs.'

'Yes, John's here, but he can't come to the phone at the moment. He's had a hard day so he's taking some time in his bouncy saucer.'

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies.'

Delusional Golfer's Optical Illusion

"Ladies, you know the rule about joyriding."

'Now while you're cranking the Jack in the Box Tommy, I want you to tell me your thoughts.'

"Ey, Zoltan! Come in and fiddle around in here tonight."

Vampire laying in his coffin wearing a Smiley badge.

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

Luring the babes is a cinch when you've got the right feet for the job.

"Ha! Now no one can call me 'old'! I just overtook a sports car!"

Monster Horrorscopes

"Lisa, your playdate is here!"

Face painting - children have no faces

The Most Interesting Dog in the World. . .

"I still jump out of bed every morning. I just don't stick the landing as often."

I WRITE FOR THOSE/WHO STARE OUT WINDOWS/WITH LITTLE HAIR ON THEIR TOES

A paper aeroplane flies off a ship