Funeral Pre-planning Gifts

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"He intends to die with dignity, he desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

Go Now, Pay Later/Pay Now, Go Later!

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

We think he's dead, but why don

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

'You'd look good in that.'

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

Relax, it's fake fur.

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

Sympathy Cards

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

O'Leary's Monuments

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'