Funding Manager Gifts

"So, thought you could use your mutated rate to intimidate me into increasing your funding, eh? Well, think again, bucko!"

'Now that I have your attention...'

The day the stock market went UP.

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'We're under capitalized. As soon as we reach the break even point we'll buy a lemon.'

Gerry, there are more accurate ways of balancing the petty cash.

Will work for ETFs

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"... And to our friends in the Liberal Democratic party I award thirty pieces of silver."

A Day In The Kitchen

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

"Your expense account ain't what it used to be. There's not enough money on your card to cover the $5.35."

"Ahh... don't you just LOVE that new, re-organized-under-bankruptcy-protection smell?"

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

Why do you need so many computers?

Investing your savings

"I managed to find a healthy work-life balance, but now there's a problem with my bank balance."

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

Aggressive growth fund loses money shorting gold.

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

"What lead you to growing human tests in a test tube?"

'I became successful when my dreams changed from the Cary Grants of the world to federal grants.'

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

City Finance Dept: My Way/The Highway

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

"However, we're doing rather well, according to uninformed sources."