Fun-loving Investor Gifts

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

"He downgraded Apple."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'

"My assets consist of a piggy bank, 2 teeth for the tooth fairy, and whatever change I find in the living room sofa."

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

At The Clown Bank.

"I asked my investment advisor for something that was low cost, easy to manage, and also functions on its own. He suggested an index fund or a robo vac."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

Please do not give insider tips to the bears.

Snowman in front of IRS wears barrel

'You may want to consider diversifying your portfolio.'

'Well, well, well. . . I see you've hidden several thousand eggs in an offshore basket. . .'

Got out of the market too soon, got back in too late.

'He made a lot of money investing in what he knew - dog biscuit and rawhide bone futures.'

Magnifying the Euro

"What's the current return on investment?"

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

'...anything else, sir?'

"on the contrary, the fund's performance has been quite good when viewed in dog's years."

'I'd like to go in for an exploratory look at your finances.'

You're £500 overdrawn. Only kidding, but the shock cured your hiccups!

"What kind of security can we offer for the loan? With the rising prices on natural gas, my husband is worth an absolute fortune."

"My broker gave me this Wall Street rally cap."

'Do you have a dog biscuit ETF, chew toy ETF, rawhide bone eTF. . .?'

'Eddie, my advice is to buy the stock now. If the company goes bankrupt, the stock will become a collector's item, and the price will soar!'

Today's Sermon: "Keeping the faith in a stock market correction."

'Now the first thing we need to do is spice up these numbers...'

'Your portfolio has down syndrome.'