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The three laws pf pen-o-dynamics

"I've decided to cut out the middleman and self-publish."

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

I'm currently working on my autobiography. Would you care to help make page 327 interesting?

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

'Are you sure this is the only way to get rid of your writers block?'

"Dude—you're ruining my face—and when are you painting my hands—my ear is itchy—also you stink—hurry up!"

"You'd better come up with something that will sell - or else. I hope that was helpful."

A military officer daydreams

'She leaves before I finish her portrait.'

"I decided to burn all my previous napkins and start fresh."

'He's just come back from a 'stress management' course.'

Writer's Block

The final reward for a writer... 'R.I.P. At last a deadline I can live with!'

"Well they say everyone has a book in them."

"I've learned to express my anger through my writing instead."

"I don't usually tell people I'm a writer because I've never actually written anything."

"Baldo, it's great that you want to draw editorial cartoons for the school paper. But effective cartoons comment on important issues. They are not a forum for your personal agenda."

'I can't read a word of this essay of yours. Excellent work.'

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

John Bolton

"That laptop was expensive as hell but publishers are still rejecting my stories! I want my money back!"

Must be old-timers – You don't see cursive anymore.

'Golf was too frustrating, so Ed took up painting!'

A Winter's Day by Mary Lou Fleckner

"I put my best ideas on the internet and all I got was this print-on-demand shirt."

'I've got my handwriting back from the graphologist - she says I'm shoddy, untidy, and cack-handed - it's uncanny!'

"Virtue is like a thing I saw one time when I was somewhere." "Do not be concerned with gooble or that tooten which bones." Man, I gotta stop writing these in the middle of the night. Confucius in the Morning.

'Alvin writes poetry...he he has a great imagination...He imagines someone will actually read that Junk!'

"Effing self-publishing rejection!"

"Before I went on antidepressants I had a better sense of how mediocre my writing was."

"Ah, to be young again."

'Lately you seem to find fault in everything I do.'

Day 11. Still can't tell if I'm the last human left alive after the apocalypse, or if it's just that no one is getting back to me.