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"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I've decided to cut out the middleman and self-publish."

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Will Self deprecation

'Hows it coming?'

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

'Are you sure this is the only way to get rid of your writers block?'

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

'Your poetry totally captures the raw, primitive essence of the writing workshops you've attended.'

'I have a case of...oh, heck. What's that called?'

"I decided to burn all my previous napkins and start fresh."

'He's just come back from a 'stress management' course.'

Writer’s Corner

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

Writer's Block

The final reward for a writer... 'R.I.P. At last a deadline I can live with!'

"No wonder you're struggling with your novel. You're not wearing your writer's hat."

"I've learned to express my anger through my writing instead."

'Dammit, Bubbles, we need this memoir yesterday - write, damn you!'

"Baldo, it's great that you want to draw editorial cartoons for the school paper. But effective cartoons comment on important issues. They are not a forum for your personal agenda."

The three laws pf pen-o-dynamics