Fruitcake Critic Gifts

"Nobody gets excited about fruitcake."

"No, Mother, I don't think Julian Assange is going to leak your recipe for fruitcake."

You know, the snowballs we get in the summer are better. They're flavored!

Psychiatrist says: 'Oh, no! Not another fruit cake?'

"Perhaps I should have warned you...They really don't like wholemeal bread."

"If a fruit doesn't have a lolly flavour, is it a real fruit?"

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

"At the Christmas Artifacts Museum"

"The cookies are always stale."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"I'll have the carrot cake, hold the carrots."

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

The Schematic map of Miss Mathilda's afternoon assortment box of Bonbons

"It's a generally positive report with a few disturbing elements...much like the tapioca pudding in the cafeteria."

"Too much salt?! Hey, I put a lot of sweat and tears into making that Christmas Pudding!"

"Med Brittle"

"Tell me, is a single spaghetti a spaghetus or what?"

'Waiter...!' (there is a human in my soup)

"The originator of the office birthday party."

Jane Chastain

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'These fortune cookies are outdated. They quote Greenspan instead of Bernanke.'

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

Why Chemists shouldn't take their work home "I can't believe it's not b-b-vegetable mono & dyglycerides!"

Candy Land for Adults

"I got horse dewormer..."

'Kevin's Mom makes wonderful cookies. Let's go over to Eddie's house. His Mom makes wonderful lemonade.'

'These are Trans-Fat free, right?'

"I don't know - none of these cookies offer an engaging brand narrative."

Flog the men!, No! - Mutiny on The Bounty.

"Run! It's Armagluten!"

'Oh no, how do I tell them that I don't like Angel Food cake?'