Fruitcake Critic T-Shirts

"Nobody gets excited about fruitcake."

"No, Mother, I don't think Julian Assange is going to leak your recipe for fruitcake."

You know, the snowballs we get in the summer are better. They're flavored!

Psychiatrist says: 'Oh, no! Not another fruit cake?'

"Perhaps I should have warned you...They really don't like wholemeal bread."

"If a fruit doesn't have a lolly flavour, is it a real fruit?"

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

"At the Christmas Artifacts Museum"

"The cookies are always stale."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"I'll have the carrot cake, hold the carrots."

"The originator of the office birthday party."

'Waiter...!' (there is a human in my soup)

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

"Tell me, is a single spaghetti a spaghetus or what?"

"It's a generally positive report with a few disturbing elements...much like the tapioca pudding in the cafeteria."

The Schematic map of Miss Mathilda's afternoon assortment box of Bonbons

"Too much salt?! Hey, I put a lot of sweat and tears into making that Christmas Pudding!"

"Med Brittle"

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'These fortune cookies are outdated. They quote Greenspan instead of Bernanke.'

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

Jane Chastain

I feel like I'm starting to hate everyone, doc. Dr. Noodle. I hate the stranger who shook his head in disgust at me when he saw I was in an interracial relationship. I hate the lady who cut me off in traffic and almost ran me off the road this morning. I hate the dentist who convinced me I needed a $350 mouth guard when I could've bought one just as good for $25 at Target. I hate the girl scout who sold me six disgusting boxes of ten-year-old Samoa cookies. That's ... ten? I hate myself for not

Why Chemists shouldn't take their work home "I can't believe it's not b-b-vegetable mono & dyglycerides!"

"I got horse dewormer..."

Candy Land for Adults

'Oh no, how do I tell them that I don't like Angel Food cake?'

'Kevin's Mom makes wonderful cookies. Let's go over to Eddie's house. His Mom makes wonderful lemonade.'

"It's a fruitcake, not a catchall."

'These are Trans-Fat free, right?'

At the party, nobody like the fruitcake.