Fruit-loving Humorist Pillows

"How's the self defense classes going?"

"Just be yourself."

'You have a strawberry on your nose, I'll give you some cream to put on it!'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

Apple Pie Abduction

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Peach flirting with a banana.

Sir gawain had been duped....it was a damson in distress

PREPARING A POMEGRANATE FOR DUMMIES

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"Remember, you're only as old as your peel."

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

Conference Pears

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

'Well you said you wanted sushi for lunch.'

'We just invented cooking yesterday, and already she's serving leftovers!'

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'